This is what it's like inside the box.
The walls are finally visible, I can't run outside of it anymore.
That thing I've been looking for, that I've been chasing after is on
the other side of this wall and I only realized that I couldn't reach
it. I learned that these walls exist because I've finally run into
them. This is the limit of what I am capable of in this state.
There are no doors. The walls can't be seen by the naive dreamers or
the hopeless romantics, they don't have the venom dripped into their
eyes yet. There is a ceiling. I can watch the planes go by, watch
the leaves blow. And I realize that is what I wish for. To be
outside of this, either having some pre-set destination to look
forward to, or to just drift aimlessly and let things decide where to take
me. What I am here, is standing still, trapped. The only thing I
can see the moon, and it's going to kill me. As the full moon wanes,
that crescent scythe gets sharper and eventually it's going to fall
from the sky and dismember me. Hopefully I'll be asleep so I won't
have to notice a thing and that'll be it.
And that's what most people amount to.
They realize that their dreams are on the other side of the glass
and they can't reach it. They can't chase after it anymore because
they're trapped, and all they can do is settle. Make do with what
they're comfortable with. To sit inside the box just to watch the
moon phase in and out while the planes fly by with the only mental
manifesto being “good enough”. The best you can is good enough.
And your “good enough” was not.
Your dreams and goals were a farce.
You weren't good enough for them and
they were too good for you.
You're not capable.
You're not happy, you're content.
You're a dark soul who won't go
outside into the dark because he likes the lights on.
You're a piece of scenery.
You're the one in your family they
“had such high hopes for.”
You don't achieve, you settle.
You're no good.
You're a fucking loser.
We all stagnate like cobwebs on the
wall, praying to go unnoticed until everybody realizes how much of a
pointless sight you are before they dust you off, to sweep you under
the rug. But I, we are too tired to move. We are too stuck to move.
If our car gets stuck in the mud, we decide we just aren't going to
drive to work today. What I can get by with, it's good enough. I
wear glasses because I'm nearsighted. The glasses don't help. The
only thing the future holds is dread, or it holds nothing.
Thankfully tomorrow does not come today. It comes tomorrow, and as
long as we can continue living in today we don't have to worry about
tomorrow. That horizon, that sudden drop will show up. And we spend
every opportunity waiting in fear when it will show up, yet
ironically be surprised, woefully unprepared when it does.
The box will torture you. It will
work for your needs. You can't hear the people out there, vocalizing
their disappointment, their anger, their disgust. But you can watch
them, and they're always watching you. Always silently reminding you
that you weren't good enough to make it out like the rest of them.
Some people learn to ignore it and just be content inside, accepting
mediocrity, accepting that this was the best they could do. The rest
of us, me, I realize finally here on the onset of my 25th
birthday, that I look around and I've spent most of my strength over
the past year attempting to break out after finding out that I'm in
here. It's not working anymore. I'm getting tired. I want to go to
sleep and just sleep for once. Thought is for the talented. Thought
is for the troubled. Thought is not allowed in the box. Those who
think in the box will eventually pull the trigger. And if they
don't, they just look up at the moon and wait for the thing to
finally fall out of the sky. To live in the box is to drone on, to
eliminate all thought to ignore the personal Hell you've created for
yourself.
It's all your fault, no one else's.
Why are you still blaming other
people?
Can't you just accept that you're
defective?
That you're broken?
That this is entirely your own doing?
You built this yourself, stop making
excuses.
Sit down and accept that this is it
for you.
Because you can just be reminded later
that at one point you told yourself that this was “good enough.”
