Now against common belief, there isn't a lot of ugly people that exist in the real world. It only just seems like it because the venomous glares they dole out can penetrate any and all crowds they're creeping through and will thus immediately draw all attention to them like a black man would in Idaho. And that's a lot of attention; my cousin's ex-boyfriend was a cableman for Comcast up in Idaho and nobody would let the poor bastard into their houses to fix their TV or internet because they probably suspected that he was there to steal it. But I digress, ugly people are noticeable, but they are not significant in number. In fact, a lot of people think they're ugly when they clearly aren't, which is a valuable waste of effort and resources that could be spent making the real ugly people feel ashamed to be alive.
I came up with a list of qualifications that's been approved by the FBI on how to racially profile and discriminate people based on their nationality and general level of attractiveness. They use this to catch terrorists. I'm serious, they even made a chart for it.
Child molesters are saving lives by convincing families to keep away from them, thus keeping my neighborhood free of pesky children I would've murdered by now.
Now as you can see, the uglier somebody is, the more likely they are to be involved in terrorist actions since they have a grudge against people who judge them for how they look, and after a while they stop caring about their appearance and start spending their time doing more nefarious things like stealing candy from babies or having sex with livestock. Whereas the more attractive somebody is, the more likely they're pleased with how life is going because everybody likes attractive people, regardless of whether or not you're a complete dick. But there's a drop-off, if you notice. Sometimes people are just so god-damn ugly that they have no drive in life and can't be terrorists. Then there are those people who are so suspiciously gorgeous and sexy that they're going to eventually fly their private jets into a mall because the DOW Jones dropped below 12,000 that day. We can also deduct from this that Harrison Ford burns down and pillages orphanages, but this isn't something we didn't expect from him.
So how do you know you're ugly? Let's look at a bunch of standardized generalizations we use for this.
-If you have a moustache or neckbeard. Rare exceptions can pull this off, like Burt Reynolds.
-If people glare at you in disgust when you're not looking at them, but nervously laugh and pretend to be friends when you engage them in conversation.
-If you take your hair-styling tips from the 80s.
-If you're on the internet for more than 5 hours a day.
-If you hate people.
-If you listen to any genre of music that characterizes disgust, hatred, or self-depreciation.
-If you're Gary Busey.
-If your BMI is divisible by a prime number greater than 17.
-If your BMI is equal to your shoe size.
-If you have enough acne to look like somebody affected by a serious STD or the bubonic plague.
-If you're a minority.
If you mean at least 3 of these qualifications, then there's a chance you might be ugly. Remember that these are generalizations, and there are exceptions to the rule. Except the Gary Busey rule.
What pisses me off more are common misconceptions associated with being attractive. Fat people get a lot of flak in our culture for being ugly. Not to offend fat people but in most cases this can be true. As I stated in previous rants, how attractive somebody might be to others depends on the level of pride they hold in their appearance. While this is true, it will only take you so far before you realize you can't tastefully show off your new leather belt when your rolls of gelatin are hanging over it, gently fluttering in the breeze.
Pride will only carry you so far before people realize that holy hell you need to start taking better care of yourself, or start adopting a wardrobe that involves sticking your head into paper bags. I'm sure your parents like their car just fine, so I doubt they would want to sell it and start investing money in Catapillar to haul your fat ass to school.
Of course with this, most people immediately think that thin = attractive, and this couldn't be farther from the truth. Just like people can be groteque balloons of bile when they're obese, nobody wants to have a significant other that needs to be weighed down properly so they aren't carried away by a strong tailwind. If you're a man and you're dangerously underweight, then chances are you're frail, lean and lacking muscle mass. But men losing weight is almost never entirely the problem since most of us realize being large and big and intimidating is important into scaring that woman at the bar into sex she doesn't really want. WOMEN, I'M CALLING YOU OUT ON THIS.
There was one particular instance in High School where after I broke up with my girlfriend, a girl had the truthful audacity to call me ugly. Now I certainly was; I wasn't getting any pussy with the current condition I was in. Even that powdery crackhead Dave was probably getting laid more than I was, but he was a gymnast too, so I'm going under the assumption that he was gay. And this was back when that wasn't something to discuss. But right, this bitch called me ugly. Being offended, I snapped back "Nobody would want to fuck you, anyway. It'd be like taking a Model T offroading; you would shake, snap and rattle apart." Which is true. Ladies, there's a threshold where you can lose too much weight, and if your chest could be used as a washboard to do my laundry on, then you've clearly crossed it. And men like tits and ass, and without proper weight distribution that ass will begin to turn concave while your breasts will shrivel up like raisins. WE LIKE MEAT ON OUR BONES. God-damn, if we wanted tiny women, most of us would be pedophiles.
Of course one of the biggest determining factors to this is style. Style can make beautiful people ugly in just a heartbeat. It can also make ugly people less ugly and make us reconsider sending them to the camps to be executed. This varies among cultures, as styles can be perceived differently depending on your environment. The one group of people I would consider universally ugly are the goth and emo clique. There might be attractive people in there, but I can't see through all the eyeliner and haphazard clothing that looks like it was stitched together by a drunk Edgar Allen Poe buff missing several fingers. I never understood how people think it's attractive when it looks like you were sexually assaulted in a crafts store. It beats the piss out of me.
Most ugly people wonder why people treat them differently. Why? Because they should be treated differently. Ugly people do the world a great disservice by burdening others with their appalling appearances, making their friends ashamed to be associated with them. They make people look down on them because they have self-esteem issues, and that can kill the mood of just about any well-lit party where people can visibly see each other. It perpetuates misguided standards in attraction that will only create more ugly people. And most importantly, most of them are inherently evil and feel like they've been wronged by society. Usually because they have been, but that's besides the point.
Just remember one important thing, you can't help solve the problem by hiding it from ugly people. Granted hiding them solves our problem, it can help theirs by letting them know it, and letting them know it often. Ugliness is not an irreversible condition. You can change it if you catch it in time. Anybody can eventually join the ranks of the beautiful. Or at least be able to go out in public without reenacting my 21st birthday party and have a bunch of people throwing up from alcohol poisoning.
Of course with this, most people immediately think that thin = attractive, and this couldn't be farther from the truth. Just like people can be groteque balloons of bile when they're obese, nobody wants to have a significant other that needs to be weighed down properly so they aren't carried away by a strong tailwind. If you're a man and you're dangerously underweight, then chances are you're frail, lean and lacking muscle mass. But men losing weight is almost never entirely the problem since most of us realize being large and big and intimidating is important into scaring that woman at the bar into sex she doesn't really want. WOMEN, I'M CALLING YOU OUT ON THIS.
There was one particular instance in High School where after I broke up with my girlfriend, a girl had the truthful audacity to call me ugly. Now I certainly was; I wasn't getting any pussy with the current condition I was in. Even that powdery crackhead Dave was probably getting laid more than I was, but he was a gymnast too, so I'm going under the assumption that he was gay. And this was back when that wasn't something to discuss. But right, this bitch called me ugly. Being offended, I snapped back "Nobody would want to fuck you, anyway. It'd be like taking a Model T offroading; you would shake, snap and rattle apart." Which is true. Ladies, there's a threshold where you can lose too much weight, and if your chest could be used as a washboard to do my laundry on, then you've clearly crossed it. And men like tits and ass, and without proper weight distribution that ass will begin to turn concave while your breasts will shrivel up like raisins. WE LIKE MEAT ON OUR BONES. God-damn, if we wanted tiny women, most of us would be pedophiles.
Of course one of the biggest determining factors to this is style. Style can make beautiful people ugly in just a heartbeat. It can also make ugly people less ugly and make us reconsider sending them to the camps to be executed. This varies among cultures, as styles can be perceived differently depending on your environment. The one group of people I would consider universally ugly are the goth and emo clique. There might be attractive people in there, but I can't see through all the eyeliner and haphazard clothing that looks like it was stitched together by a drunk Edgar Allen Poe buff missing several fingers. I never understood how people think it's attractive when it looks like you were sexually assaulted in a crafts store. It beats the piss out of me.
Most ugly people wonder why people treat them differently. Why? Because they should be treated differently. Ugly people do the world a great disservice by burdening others with their appalling appearances, making their friends ashamed to be associated with them. They make people look down on them because they have self-esteem issues, and that can kill the mood of just about any well-lit party where people can visibly see each other. It perpetuates misguided standards in attraction that will only create more ugly people. And most importantly, most of them are inherently evil and feel like they've been wronged by society. Usually because they have been, but that's besides the point.
Just remember one important thing, you can't help solve the problem by hiding it from ugly people. Granted hiding them solves our problem, it can help theirs by letting them know it, and letting them know it often. Ugliness is not an irreversible condition. You can change it if you catch it in time. Anybody can eventually join the ranks of the beautiful. Or at least be able to go out in public without reenacting my 21st birthday party and have a bunch of people throwing up from alcohol poisoning.
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