So one afternoon I was walking to school because my mom was a deadbeat drunk who couldn't take me. Also it was the afternoon because I was up all night drinking and I was too hung-over to make it to second period. I think I'm seeing a pattern here, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Anyway, I show up to chemistry still slightly hungover. I will be the first to tell you that it's not a bright idea to show up to a class full of volatile chemical compounds while slightly inebriated. So Mr. Courtney started lecturing us on the properties of magnesium. Apparently this shit is brighter than the sun when it burns.
My friend Steve was sitting to me. You know Steve, right? Steve ain't too bright. He's also kind of lonely. I think Steve has Aspergers or something, but he was always so damn fidgety. Steve was also socially oblivious to the moods and feelings of those around him. So while it was pretty obvious to everyone who could smell the booze in the air, Steve didn't know I've been drinking and thus everyone in the class probably knew what was going to unfold here. As part of the experiment, we were going to light some while wearing safety goggles. I believe in safety third, so I wore my sunglasses. My girlfriend, the shy and inquisitive girl she is told me that it wasn't necessarily a bright idea to wear them. After laughing and mocking her for that terrible pun, I turn around and there Steve is, holding burning magnesium right up to my face. "HEY BOB, ISN'T IT COOL? THIS STUFF IS SO AMAZING!" I don't know whether I blacked out from the rage or my retinas being seared shut, but when I was able to see again my girlfriend was mortified going "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RESTRAINT?" while the staff was hosing Steve down with fire extinguishers and he was lying on the floor twitching with shards of a beaker embedded in his chest. Needless to say, Mr. Courtney wasn't pleased.
So I went to the Principal's office to discuss the endeavor. Apparently what I did was bad, and Steve's parents were pretty upset about it. While they considered jailing me, I also considered suing the shit out of Steve for destroying my eyes with magnesium making me legally blind in 47 states. That fucker's the reason I never take off my sunglasses. So after some negotiations, I work it out with the principal that if I went to the hospital to apologize to Steve, then things would be fine, and any legal ramifications would be settled. I reluctantly agreed. My girlfriend was out there to meet me after I told her the story and how I was going to go out there.
"...You aren't going to apologize, are you?" she asked.
"Probably not."
"You're going to kill him, aren't you?"
"Probably." My girlfriend let out a sigh and shook her head.
"Well, my dad's going to be out this weekend so come on by later and we'll have dinner."
"Alright." With that, she trotted off and I made my way to the hospital.
Now being almost legally blind, this was kind of a hassle. While my mom dropped me off at the hospital, I pondered what exactly I was going to do. I went into there since it was visiting hours, and I swear I must've killed at least 5 people before I actually found the room with Steve in it. I had a tendency to make a mistake with my victims, but I couldn't fucking see so what the hell did you expect? The hospital probably thought I was a CIA operative. When I saw Steve sleeping, I figured what I might do. I can't apologize to him. I did nothing wrong. And I can't kill him either, I don't think it's entirely necessary. So what did I do? I gagged him, tied him down to his bed, then grabbed the plastic spork from his food tray and gouged both of his eyes out. They were in decent condition, and while Steve's eyesight wasn't perfect it was certainly better than mine. My girlfriend knew a back alley surgeon who could operate and give them to me, so from that day forward I had brown eyes.
Although in an ironic twist, I tripped over Steve's IV while his eye sockets made him bleed to death, but you win some you lose some, I guess.
My friend Steve was sitting to me. You know Steve, right? Steve ain't too bright. He's also kind of lonely. I think Steve has Aspergers or something, but he was always so damn fidgety. Steve was also socially oblivious to the moods and feelings of those around him. So while it was pretty obvious to everyone who could smell the booze in the air, Steve didn't know I've been drinking and thus everyone in the class probably knew what was going to unfold here. As part of the experiment, we were going to light some while wearing safety goggles. I believe in safety third, so I wore my sunglasses. My girlfriend, the shy and inquisitive girl she is told me that it wasn't necessarily a bright idea to wear them. After laughing and mocking her for that terrible pun, I turn around and there Steve is, holding burning magnesium right up to my face. "HEY BOB, ISN'T IT COOL? THIS STUFF IS SO AMAZING!" I don't know whether I blacked out from the rage or my retinas being seared shut, but when I was able to see again my girlfriend was mortified going "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RESTRAINT?" while the staff was hosing Steve down with fire extinguishers and he was lying on the floor twitching with shards of a beaker embedded in his chest. Needless to say, Mr. Courtney wasn't pleased.
So I went to the Principal's office to discuss the endeavor. Apparently what I did was bad, and Steve's parents were pretty upset about it. While they considered jailing me, I also considered suing the shit out of Steve for destroying my eyes with magnesium making me legally blind in 47 states. That fucker's the reason I never take off my sunglasses. So after some negotiations, I work it out with the principal that if I went to the hospital to apologize to Steve, then things would be fine, and any legal ramifications would be settled. I reluctantly agreed. My girlfriend was out there to meet me after I told her the story and how I was going to go out there.
"...You aren't going to apologize, are you?" she asked.
"Probably not."
"You're going to kill him, aren't you?"
"Probably." My girlfriend let out a sigh and shook her head.
"Well, my dad's going to be out this weekend so come on by later and we'll have dinner."
"Alright." With that, she trotted off and I made my way to the hospital.
Now being almost legally blind, this was kind of a hassle. While my mom dropped me off at the hospital, I pondered what exactly I was going to do. I went into there since it was visiting hours, and I swear I must've killed at least 5 people before I actually found the room with Steve in it. I had a tendency to make a mistake with my victims, but I couldn't fucking see so what the hell did you expect? The hospital probably thought I was a CIA operative. When I saw Steve sleeping, I figured what I might do. I can't apologize to him. I did nothing wrong. And I can't kill him either, I don't think it's entirely necessary. So what did I do? I gagged him, tied him down to his bed, then grabbed the plastic spork from his food tray and gouged both of his eyes out. They were in decent condition, and while Steve's eyesight wasn't perfect it was certainly better than mine. My girlfriend knew a back alley surgeon who could operate and give them to me, so from that day forward I had brown eyes.
Although in an ironic twist, I tripped over Steve's IV while his eye sockets made him bleed to death, but you win some you lose some, I guess.
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