How Bob and I save Christmas, finale.

There are few experiences as terrifying as being hunted by a mob. Reading a lot of medieval horror stories about witch-hunting while possessing prevalent knowledge of the mob-lynchings during the civil rights era was enough to educate most people on how mobs like to hunt down particular groups of people who probably had it coming. Despite being white and in possession of a penis, I was used to this. Pissing off a large group of people and having them seek to beat my ass into bloody submission wasn't a foreign concept to me. But this particular incident can become slightly unnerving when what would end up beating my ass into bloody submission would be a bunch of erect penises from a substantial group of extremely horny and extremely desperate young men looking to satisfy their rage-driven libidos on whatever conscious biomass that they happen to come across.

And I'm serious; it could be anything. I saw the sex-crazed bastards start grabbing raccoons and tackling wild deer as they overwhelmed the poor animals with a bunch of testosterone-soaked man-flesh as some of them actively pursued me into the forest.

I honestly had no clue as to what my course of action would be. As vast as my expertise was when it came to fighting off large groups of horny sociopaths, I was only one man. And retreating into the woods to evade them wasn't exactly the smartest idea; if one intended to do something then any reasonable man would've assumed to stay in town where he had access to whatever tools of destruction he would need. I would have to go back there eventually. But there were too many to fight, even if I had help. I needed to plan an escape. Unfortunately for me that meant going back into town those lust-driven heathens were no doubt destroying.

My method of escape was simple; the town is in a very isolated region in Washington. And I mean fucking isolated. Not even satellite providers will give people service out here. To the north of the small town were expansive networks of forest; venturing through here was a surefire way to get lost, and being the smart bastard I was I went charging in headfirst with my only thought being to keep all these perverts off of my ass. The town was sandwiched between two rivers. To the south was the only viable means to get to the little town; a lone bridge that I had to get across to make it out with my dignity and orifices intact.

I knew how the little rabbit being hunted by a pack of wolves felt. Whereas that particular Discovery special ended with the little rabbit being disemboweled, it didn't have the access to liquor-driven rage and murderous intent. Working my way through the waning blizzards of the northern front, I found two of the pantless patrolmen taking a piss near a river that was freezing over. This was vital, as the warm urine passing through their dick kept frostbite at bay, although the throbbing erections certainly threw off their aim. I no longer had any alcohol on me, so I had to make do with my bare hands to incapacitate these two disgusting men that were on the route to the town.

I slowly sneaked up on one that started taking a piss and I shoved him into the river. The other man was getting ready to take a piss before he immediately spotted me drowning his friend, and what ensued was a fistfight/wrestling match that bordered on getting laid. Eventually I got frustrated and had to finish him off. I looked for the nearest blunt object I could find, which happened to be his frostbiten dick that was large enough to hunt with. I snapped the thing clean off of him and while he screamed in agony, then I hammered his own icy cock into his eye socket and jammed it in there until I crushed his brain. I worked my way through the woods and what unfolded was a stealth massacre that involved more dicks, skullfucking and homoeroticism than a slasher film with a gay BDSM director. The only people who had their hands on more dicks than I did that night were either prostitutes pulling extra shafts shifts or secretaries fishing for promotions.

The town was in shambles. When I arrived, it was completely overrun by the sex-crazed maniacs of the donkey show. Being the tiny isolated village that it was, the townspeople were woefully prepared for a bunch of rambunctious sexual deviants that fucked for something other than the act of procreation. The trail of blood, semen and violated orifices left in the wake of the mob passing through the town was like a malicious plague infecting what was once a delightful community in the secluded area of the woods.

But fuck if I cared, I just wanted to get back to my grandmother's and get wasted on nog for Christmas.

The one person I didn't expect to see alive was Bob. That greasy, drugged-out hippie was hiding out with the rest of the fleeing townspeople in the last standing house that wasn't on fire or had a bunch of pantless men with erections passed out on the patio.
"Bob, we need to get the fuck out of here."
"But Conrad, we need to fight off the scourge before it spreads to the rest of our glorious nation." It was a bunch of drugged-up fratboys at a donkey show, and it was a state, but I saw his point. Although there was nothing we could do; there were literally hundreds of these freaks breaking and sucking and humping and blowing and grinding and fucking the town into the ground. So the only course of action was to quarantine the place and keep it from spreading. Thankfully, also being a bunch of hics in the woods, these poor people had firearms. Bob and I grabbed what we could, and went out to start kicking ass while attempting to make our getaway.

The men were still seeking to violate any sentient creature that moved, and each one that did was greeted with a shotgun blast to the face. This in retrospect was a bad idea, as it gave them death erections, and every mob we managed to hold off had not only blood but disgusting jizz flying everywhere. We could've bankrupted a competing sperm bank with the amount of semen these heathens expelled. All it needed to do was rain heroin needles and then the holy triad of getting STDs would be bearing down on this terrible little town.

Eventually we found a jeep and loaded it up with as much gasoline barrels as we could. We occasionally grabbed a woman and threw her out into an opening to distract the crowd; better her than us. I even had to give up my charred corpse girlfriend, which was actually a fantastic idea since they must've spent several minutes finding where to actually stick it into. The jeep was ready to go, and all we needed was some badass escape music like Ride of the Valkyries.

We turned on the radio and "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" was playing. Fucking Christmas music.

We were racing down the bridge while the hordes of sexy men raced at us with their frozen hard-ons, like a charging army with fleshy javelins giving chase. The barrels of gasoline were rolling off the jeep as Bob attempted to steady his aim and shoot them to set the bridge on fire. Of course it didn't help that I was stupidly drunk yet was the one stuck with driving. There was almost something ethereal about racing down a collapsing bridge with a bunch of pantless rapists chasing you down while "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" was blaring over the radio. The car eventually broke down, though. We were screwed. So close to reaching the end of the bridge.
"CONRAD, I WILL HOLD THEM OFF! MAKE HASTE, FOR THE WINTER SOLSTICE'S SPIRIT NEEDS TO BE DELIVERED BY YOUR GOOD WILL FOR GRANDMOTHER!" I didn't know what the fuck that meant, but I assumed that it meant that I should haul ass while he stayed behind. I saluted the man, and ran. I finally reached the end of the bridge, and I looked back. There Bob was, standing majestically and then shooting the last gasoline barrel beneath his feet, creating an impassable wall of fire. The bridge eventually collapsed from all the stress, and the terrible sex-driven plague was halted. After all that, I sighed, drank the last of the cheap liquor and only had one valid point to say.

"This is why I hate Christmas." And then the march to my grandmother's began as the sun rose.