Clearly not overcompensating.

I remember when I tried to kill myself recently. And I made sure to get the job done. IT WAS FUCKING MANLY, BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A DICKLESS LITTLE PILE OF SHIT AND COMMIT SUICIDE, THEN YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO COMPENSATE BY MAKING IT THE MANLIEST SUICIDE POSSIBLE.

You know what I did? You know what I did? YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I DID? I picked fights with bears. Big, scary-ass bears. Have you ever fought a bear? The correct answer is no, because no one survived a round of fisticuffs with bears before. I FIGURED IT WOULD BE A FANTASTIC WAY TO DIE. But it failed. It turned out that I was so fucking manly, I just ended up fighting the bears off one by one. I grabbed one and crushed its ribcage. Did you hear that shit? I BEAR-HUGGED A BEAR TO DEATH. FUCK YOUR SHIT, BEAR. I JUST TOOK YOUR MANEUVER OF DEATH AND TURNED IT THE FUCK AGAINST YOU.

Eventually I realized that I couldn't commit suicide by fighting off bears. I figured the only manly thing I could kill myself fighting were dinosaurs. So I grabbed a bear, and I shoryukened it a million fucking years into the past. That's right; I uppercutted that motherfucker so hard that I punctured the space-time continuum and ended up creating some wormhole or some shit. So I used my manly calves and jumped off into the sky into the wormhole into the dinosaur ages before the wormhole closed. The shock of my legs decompressing on the ground made Yellowstone finally erupt and destroy humanity as we know it. FUCKING ACE.

So I was in the past, and I found them big-ass dinosaurs. I thought those motherfuckers were going to be scary, but no. THEY WERE PINK. ALL OF THE DINOSAURS WERE PURPLE AND PINK AND RED AND A BUNCH OF ALL FAGGOT-ASSED VAGINA COLORS. It was terrifying that dinosaurs weren't in fact manly. It crushed me. Oh wait, that was the meteor that came and wiped out all life on Earth at that point; the big-ass rock fell directly on me and hit me with enough force to send me down to Hell.

I was finally dead and burning in Hell, but shit sucked. This was before people and Christianity was invented, so Satan was the only guy down there at the time. He was wondering where the fuck I came from since people didn't exist. But then he decided to keep me there since I was the first person to show up. I wasn't haven't any of that shit; Hell was still under construction and was no way the pleasant resort hotel I remembered from the first time I was there back in the future. He didn't care, though; he was going to keep me in there.

So then I ended up fighting Satan and beating the fuck out of him. I beat the living shit out of that red-tailed baboon-assed pussy like my mother beats the shit out of Ligers. My mom is the reason Ligers are infertile; she beat them into sterility. Fuck yeah. But it was difficult, because I upset the foundation of Hell, so I spent literally eons digging and crawling my way up through the granite and dirt, fighting off demons and servants of Satan while I feasted on ore deposits and freshly-made oil reserves.

By the time I crawled out, I was back in my yard and it was 2010 again. Fuck, if killing myself was that much trouble and it didn't even fucking work, I'll just wait until God or Mother Nature kills me, then I'll kick their asses too when I'm pulled up into the great beyond. Satan banned me from Hell already, so I can't commit suicide and go there anymore.

BITCHES AND WHORES.