I highly doubt discussing Japanese cartoons will get me laid.

Human beings are sexual creatures. Most normal people probably wouldn't want to imagine a life without any kind of sexuality involved. Unless you're Catholic, where then sex is done strictly for the purpose of pumping out 15 children who you want to raise to be either religious zealots or rebellious atheists that you extradited from your family. But the fact of the matter is, human sexuality is often a very important facet of the human condition, and one can only benefit from seeking to explore and indulge in it.

That being said, one can delve too much into it and uncover... off-kilter things. I for one would like to think of myself as a very sexual person despite being a rape victim. YES ALL THOSE STORIES WERE TRUE. ...ISH. I HAVE BEEN SODOMIZED SO MANY TIMES THAT I NEED AN ANAL PLUG TO KEEP MYSELF FROM SHITTING WHERE I STAND WITHOUT DISCRETION LIKE CATTLE. But yes given all the traumatizing sodomy, I see no problems with exploring the deepest and darkest depth of sex, self-pleasure, pornography, and fetishes. One can even say that it's a hobby of mine. Makes for great discussions at parties. Man, I can tell you that I've worked my crank to a lot of things. And as I grew bored with more standard things, my interests eventually drifted into more... questionable territories.

One of them happened to be hentai. WHAT? You're surprised that the weeaboo obsessed with anime and manga would be fingering his prostate to cartoons? ......You aren't? WELL FUCK YOU ANYWAY. Now as a desperate attempt to halt my raging libido, I've tried to get it down to more and more disturbing things. Eventually I grew interested in hentai and H-manga because, well, they're fucking hilarious. Or hilariously, if you want to be grammatically correct and clever. I'm serious. You want a laugh? Read h-manga and doujins. I get a good laugh off and I get something else off. The only unfortunate side-effect is comedy now gets me erect, which makes for awkward situations at school if somebody says a funny joke.

Now with that out of the way... hilarious in what way, you ask? What, you didn't ask? Shut the fuck up, that's besides the point. There are some odd tropes and hilarious lessons one can take from all of these, not just about perceptions of sexuality from a bunch of virgin cartoonists drawing pornography for a living, but about humanity over ideas of sexuality in general. So it's time to let the glorious nippon edumacate us in the ways of fucking women until their canals prolapse. SPEAKING OF THAT, OUR FIRST BULLETPOINT.

#1 - Advancing The Art of Dirty Talk

Read all of it. ALL OF IT UNTIL IT HURTS.

I don't know if the scanlators just have a sense of humor or if they're translating these things verbatim, but man they manage to get pretty creative when they're writing the uh err um "dialogue" to some of the more compelling scenes of interest.

Now let's get something straight here: I have not had sex in a very long time. I had sex once, and it was terrible and awkward and I was drunk and ugly and she was desperate and lonely, and because of how naive I was I freaked out and went "OH MY GOD DID I STAB YOU OR STICK IN THE WRONG HOLE, WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD?", so needless to say it wasn't a pristine experience to have for your first time. But even I as a prudish and modest individual who's watched a lot of smut can know how contrived some of the "writing" can be in scripted pornography.

Yet nothing can touch what these bottomless wells of vulgar vocabulary knowledge come up with. It gets so ridiculous what words they manage to work into these disgusting comic books, when they manage to take their pristine and undirtied arms, and with their hands in the shape of a cone gently push into the sphincter and enter the ass of the human language, and work themselves far up the rectum to grasp the dirtiest and foulest of words that not even the most shameless writers would touch, and then take the shit in their hands and smear the prose onto paper, as if to titillate and arouse the reader while taking in the visual spectacle of a woman reaching into her ass to give her loved one a handjob while he plows her relentlessly, because that's what true love is.

Maybe I'm just a prude or something. I'm an English major, I could probably come up with some pretty clever things to say while I fuck a woman, but whether or not that it's actually arousing is up to question. I can appreciate some dirty talk, but if a woman asked me to flood her birth tunnels with my primordial man-ooze, I'd probably pull out, get dressed, leave the room, burn her house down, and wear 20 condoms the next time I ever have sex with another woman. If I ever decided to have sex with another woman after being verbally raped into impotence with a single sentence like that.

#2 - Japanese Fetishes: Not As Questionable If You Think About It

OH GOD WHY DOES THIS EXIST AND WHERE CAN I GET IT?

Speaking of rectal handjobs and such, Japan has some weird fetishes, doesn't it? I mean, fetishes are normal. Having a special kind of kink isn't a problem. Well, it's a problem if it's morally reprehensible or it ends with you in jail on the business end of Bubba the prison sodomizer, who coincidentally shares the name with every other rapist in prison that sodomizes you in your sleep.

Now with Japan, it explores every dark and sinister corner of sexuality that you could possibly imagine, and then it explores dark and sinister corners of sexuality that were originally beyond your capacity to imagine until Japan introduced you to it and shifted your outlook human sexuality for the worse forever. And why is this, exactly? Because if Japan can imagine it, then you damn well better expect that it's a fetish and that somebody's creaming their jeans over it. As great and wonderful and amazing and beautiful and hairy as Japanese porn may be, the industry for hentai and h-manga is fucking enormous. And it's entirely fictional, meaning that the basic concept of human anatomy and reactionary psychology has been removed from the setting and now people can jerk off to whatever the Hell their minds desire. Massive orgies? Absolutely, there's a fetish for that. Sex in public without any precautions while most people are blatantly unaware? Sure. Rape? Lots of it for some disturbing reason, because I guess being emotionally broken and robbed of your dignity is supposed to be arousing, but it isn't. It might be funny, but it isn't arousing. Incest? Gross, but it's there if you need it. People being eaten? Uh, that's kind of strange but okay. Tentacles? Sweet Jesus how anybody can enjoy that is beyond me, but what the hell why not? Uh inanimate objects? If you watched the video above this, then you already know the answer to that. Eldritch Abominations comprised purely out of breasts and orifices that looked like a pornography editor was bored with photoshop? Merciful Christ it should be illegal, but go for it, sure. Well, rape is illegal but you can see it drawn, but surely they can't allow things li--

This is the most worksafe image I felt like posting that drove my point across the best.

Ah, lolicon. How I'm publicly appalled but privately enjoying the disgusting things you unleash on this world. Yes folks, while it's completely illegal to depict minors in any sort of sexual relations in media because of the irreparable damage to a pedophile's psychology from being interested in children, it's entirely fine if they're fictional because the children don't exist and can't be harmed. I mean, I just want to think about what the artists are actually thinking when they draw this. Psychologically, it would be interesting yet terribly disturbing to see the uh err creative process taking place while they concoct these horrors to release upon the world.

So given all that, why is it "Not As Questionable If You Think About It"? Because in America for comparison, it isn't fictional. A lot of people don't get off to cartoons or imaginary things. Unless they're furries; furries are more prevalent than I'm comfortable knowing about. Just had to give a nod to them, but you get my point. They get off to real people doing these things. And a lot of these disgusting things I've described, yeah they exist. And there are poor souls out there who are desperate and sick enough to do them, as long as they're within the realms of physical probability. Want to see somebody mutilated or eat shit, drink piss, or bang a fat person? There are a lot of videos of terrible awful people doing it. Legality isn't an issue here; if it gets people off, they'll find a way to do it without being caught, which is the disturbing reality of it all. Much like Bubba the prison sodomizer, somebody who takes his fetish very seriously, as long as he sedates his pleasures he doesn't really care who he gave an anal fissure to after he's done pleasing himself.

I wish I could be as nonchalant about accepting something like that.

That much is true about the above; when it's fictional, at the very least they aren't hurting anybody or forcing somebody to be the victim of some depraved sexual act just so you can get your rocks off. Things like this really hit home when you ask whether lolicon or actual vanning material is worse, and realize that some redneck in the darkest murkiest swamps of Virginia is banging his daughter/grandaughter that he fathered with his daughter and suddenly the herpderpincest becomes slightly less funny. But still a bit funny, because people like laughing at rednecks being pathetic disgusting imbreds. HA HA, REDNECKS.

#3 - Lessons in sexual anatomy, as taught by class-act illustrators.

"I... I didn't know the body could do that."

Because it can't.

I think one of the most hilarious tropes that hentai and h-manga tends to fall under are the inhumane capabilities the body apparently has involving sex. I know people like to fantasize about improbable things, but sex should not be one of them. Because frankly anything you try to imagine or fantasize about is disgusting. Seriously, stop it you sick bastards. You can have fantasies, and despite the moniker you should keep them in the realm of slim possibility. That threeway with two Asian twins? Unlikely, but possible. Making a woman orgasm 5 times during sex? Unlikely, but possible. Fucking a woman with your 15-inch penis and ejaculating so hard that she flies off like a bottlerocket? No, cease immediately.

Now much like sex, writing an article becomes more difficult to put the effort into the longer it goes on, and eventually I just sort of stop paying attention until I'm finished. There's far too much to cover regarding this particular lesson, mainly because anybody who's ever been written into a doujin or h-manga is a superhero whose illogical sex drive is only matched by the "arousing" dialogue and "plot" that's customary to these stories. In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was some kind of comic book-esque hero associated with something li--

He's like my personal idol.

...Huh, fascinating. Now as interesting as a man writing wrongs through penetration is, it gets more ridiculous. If you didn't gauge from the whole "rectal handjob while fucking" comment, Japan... doesn't seem to understand anatomy or human psychology particularly well. I think one of the most common tropes here is that the smaller and meeker and more feminine of a boy one is, the larger his penis must be. When some assertive woman (read: NOT A RAPIST, RIGHT?) manages to force herself upon this defenseless child to steal his virginity, apparently he's hiding what looks like a horse's amputated leg in his pants. He is in actuality Thor, God of Thunder. And his penis is Mjollnir, hammer of righteous fury. And the woman's vagina is a frost giant that needs to be stricken down with swift vengeance. Again, riddled with irony and obvious projections, not just because Japan wishes that its Gods were as cool as the Norse. But also probably because Japan's filled to the brim with afeminine manboys and overweight lonely manchildren while the country is ranked down with some of the smallest national average penis sizes. It's true, because fucking science tells us.

We can also liken this to Asian women, who generally tend to be somewhat on the petite side generally. But regardless of how large breasts can be on a woman, every character in these stories either amounts to having two volleyballs being supported by a frame with less structural integrity than a book spine, or they have no chest at all while being three feet tall, and if you even pull your penis out or adjust yourself while looking at this, you're now officially a pedophile. I mean, I like big titties as much as the next guy, but they can only be so large on a woman because you have that terrible realization that you're infatuated with bags of fat on somebody's chest and then you go for number two and then you end up with 15 gigs of loli on your computer and dismantling your harddrive before the police arrive.

Now when a regular man orgasms, a little bit of sticky fluid comes out, he coughs, he rolls over, and then he passes out. That's the way it works. It's called a refractory period. Unless you're in one of these stories, in which case your stones despite being as large as anybody else's actually breaks into some pocket in space-time to store semen, your ejaculate is large and powerful enough to end the drought in California, and sex is only a quarter of the way done because UNLESS YOU ORGASM FOUR TIMES, YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN LOSER. Maybe their scrotums are just there to fool predators, and they've actually evolved so that their asses are actually giant testicles. That would explain it perfectly. Although they're probably firing blanks because there's a suspicious absence of condoms in most sexual encounters in these stories. Despite the fact that a woman's cup often runneth over in these things, hardly any pregnancies or children at all. Which is odd considering that in these h-mangas they'll fuck anything that moves, including but not limited to children. I guess it's alright because women in these stories are apparently barren. But oddly enough if we were to look at the data, I suppose that's the only thing h-manga gets right, isn't it?

#4 - Talented People Work In This Industry And Occasionally Get Out

Making it big, right?

The illustrator if this is Noizi Ito. She's the illustrator for the Haruhi light novels, and she's the artist for Shakugan no Shana. If you don't know, those are franchises in Japan that are fucking titanic. And not tragic "IT'S SINKING" titanic, but monster franchises with millions of fans not just Japan, but even in places like America. And her art style is very easily recognizable among the weeaboo nerd audience. I even considered buying an artbook of hers at a convention. She also draws things like this.

Captain Falcon: protecting the delicate minds of children like a true hero.

One of the more famous anime illustrators in Japan got her start working on h-manga and adult VNs, who would've guessed? Now this is a lot more common than you think, actually. Yuna Kagesaki is actually moderately well-known for her manga series Karen (or Chibi Vampire for you American slobs), and a personal favorite of mine, AiON. ...Yeah she drew smut for living, too. He Is My Master is a trashy harem manga and the original artist left, so now the writer might possibly recruit a renowned doujin/h-manga artist who coincidentally enough has drawn adult doujin works of said manga. That just seems like a lucky break.

I mean the simple fact is, plot in the anime/manga industry doesn't always sell. Pornography always sells. No matter what, no matter where. Granted it's the equivalent of a porn actor or actress trying to break into serious film or stage-performing, it does happen. And it's a genuine pity to see a lot of genuinely talented artists forced to peddle smut to get out in the spotlight and make a living. It's frustrating, even.

Or maybe it isn't, and they enjoy drawing people fucking because heaven knows that they probably aren't. I'd just occasionally prefer if they weren't fucking in space while using nuclear jizz to power their rockets with dicks the size of I-beams and zero-gravity chests resembling two Volkswagen Beetles. All while reciting lines that sounded like William Shakespeare dropped the double entendres and finally wrote an Aristocrats joke.