On tickling the magic onion loaf.

You people know what I'm talking about. Taming the one-eyed trouser snake. Purging your holy scepter of evil. Deploying your heat-seeking moisture missile. Or for you ladies, dunking your glazed crotch donut.

For the longest time, masturbation used to be that dirty little secret that everyone lied about doing. If you did it, you were going to hell. The government spread lies about you growing hair on your hands or if you pulled on it too much, it would work like Newton's Third Law and your dick would pull back and you'd eventually have a vagina. Nowadays though, everyone talks about it like it's nothing. As soon as a boy hits puberty, he's already working his tiny little crank. According to a recent poll conducted by immakingnumbersup.com, 50% of women masturbate. And the other 50% are lying sluts who are ashamed of themselves.

It's been bastardized completely; a person can't have an honest moment to himself without being judged or being paid to have it filmed. What the hell has happened to our culture? I remember the good ol' days when young Jimmy just hit puberty and he started having those awkward moments in class when Mrs. Fitch leaned over a bit too far, then he remained seated for the rest of the period shuffling himself in his chair while his hands went in his pockets one too many times to adjust himself.

Well he had to get rid of it somehow, didn't he? Masturbation was never meant to be fun, dammit. Back in my day we did it because we had to. It was work, and it purged our minds of any impure thoughts or reactions for most of the day so we could function. Now you kids treat it like a fucking olympic sport. It's like an endurance test now. I know kids who even have races to see how fast they can get off or how many times they can get off in a single day. What the hell is a circlejerk? That is fucking gay and it goes against everything masturbation represents. This isn't the fucking middle ages with all the knights of the round table having their swords unsheathed to compare them. The purpose of masturbation... IS TO DO IT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND TO DO IT FOR YOU. IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE BLOWING YOUR LOAD AROUND A BUNCH OF MEN, THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO THE EXTRA MILE AND GET A MAN TRAIN GOING YOU DUMB SHITS.

It's absolutely disgusting seeing you people abuse this wonderful pastime for your animalistic desires. Hell, it's so disgusting that you people actually had to dedicate September to AVOID doing it. Hell, I said "FUCK THAT NONSENSE" and went in the other direction. Instead of avoiding to fap for the month, I worked my man sausage the amount of times the current date was in protest. That's right. I jerked off 465 times in a single month. By the time I was done, my dick was chafed raw and my nuts were like raisins ejaculating white powder. And it made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for most times masturbated in a single 30 day period, and first incident of self-induced sterilization without the use of radiation or castration.

For now, I'm nothing like you barbaric heathens, grinding your crotches against any blunt surface trying to stem the flow of self-love. It's absolutely sickening. When I masturbate, it's a sacred and dignified ritual I perform 7 times 4 times once per day. I dim the lights, make sure no one is home, and turn on my favorite episodes of Sex in the City. I put on my wizard's hat and robe top hat and monocle, grab my finest Martha Stewart towels and get my special imported Lubricant. I sit down with my back straight, then grab a firm hold onto my member with my pinky extended. I remain completely silent as I slowly pleasure myself while my mind has its own orgasm by indulging on the sounds the 4th movement from Beethoven's 9th Symphony. At the very end, I eloquently state "Oh dear, it appears that I am climaxing." and then I finish.

And THAT'S how us gentlemen still do it to this day. Always in moderation, always with dignity and respect. And that's how it should be done.