Today I was out job-hunting. With only 12 units and attending class three days a week, I think it's entirely reasonable to desire employment to fill the void and the wallet. After being informed by my psychologist that I probably have a nasty case of ADD, I need a job so I can indulge my hobbies and meet those expectations of being a mentally-deficient manchild with an attention span shorter than the droves of underdeveloped Asian women in my community.
I was at a mall. It was a rich mall, a nice mall. Full of rich white people, money, and the aforementioned Asian women. Damn, you should've seen some of them. It's like someone liberated a Chinese sweatshop in there. Fuck, where was I going with this again? Oh right, the mall. This was the same mall where in a previous thread I stated does not have a book store, despite being probably the richest and most pompous mall in the Bay Area. I would like to inform you that they have still NOT remedied this problem but in fact they made it worse, which brings us to the crux of my discovery.
As I was attempting to harass the manager of the Gamestop into a job I left the store and gleaned through the entire mall. Crowded, mid-afternoon and full of people. I saw one black man there and he was being arrested by a mall cop. Nothing out of the ordinary. As I make my way to the center of the mall, there's an Abercrombie and Fitch. There it stood before me, just overlooking the mall. You could literally smell the overpriced cologne coming out of its doors. If you got any closer to the place, it would start to burn your eyes. The reason the "No Smoking" signs exist for these kinds of places would be because the faintest ignition or volatile heat source would cause the air itself to turn ablaze while everybody's lungs would rupture and collapse from the sudden flash of fire working its way throughout the store.
Now I have a problem with Abercrombie and Fitch. I don't know whether it's the nerve gas they constantly feed into the store's ventilation, but I just don't think pleasant thoughts whenever I set foot into one of those stores. Maybe it's the dim lights that make it difficult to see the clothes you're buying, which seems counterintuitive, but what the hell do I know? Or they do it so you can't see the price tag for that plaid shirt you kind of sort of like is actually 60 to 80 bucks only to step outside and see in broad daylight that Mandarin Orange and Teal isn't your color. Or maybe it's because the entire architecture and interior design is a cross between an insurance agency and a police interrogation room that seems to invoke feelings of dread, tension and boredom all at the same time. Again, I don't know.
Now the mere thought of this corporate cesspool of a store sitting in the middle of the mall was enough to disgust me a great deal. But then, right where I was standing, I looked down the left wing of the mall and something caught my attention. Something terrible. I squinted and read it, but I couldn't believe my eyes. I decided to walk down to it and get closer, and what I saw... was an Abercrombie. Not Abercrombie and Fitch. Abercrombie. Text in the same font. And the store... WAS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME BUT SMALLER. I PULLED OUT MY WATCH, AND THE HANDS WEREN'T MOVING. EVERYBODY FROZE IN PLACE LIKE TIME STOOD STILL BETWEEN THESE AREAS. AND THE WINDOWS WEREN'T SHADED UP SO EVERYBODY IN THE STORE COULD LOOK INTO IT AT THE SHAME. THEY SAW THE UGLY OVERPRICED CLOTHES, THEY SAW THE STERILE INTERIOR, THEY SAW FUCKING EVERYTHING. And to be expected, it was significantly less crowded than its parent store literally 20 or 30 yards away. I could piss and hit the other store wherever I stood, which I considered doing had I not been arrested the last time I did something like that in public.
So was Fitch in fact some Machiavellian tyrant that just stood above the Abercrombie stores going "NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO SELL, WE NEED TO BAR UP THE WINDOWS, DIM THE LIGHTS MORE AND START FEEDING NERVE GAS INTO THE PLACE TO ACTUALLY CONVINCE PEOPLE TO BUY THIS SHIT!" It's like the humble yet shitty stores of Abercrombie were bought out by the Soviets, which made me realize that everybody who bought clothes at Abercrombie were in fact fighting the ever-looming threat of communism. A fucking shame the best people they can recruit to their cause were physically inept hipsters who would eventually abandon them to go inhale more disgusting cologne to get high off of in Abercrombie and Fitch.
Shaken and stirred by this realization I stumbled away from the Abercrombie back past the Abercrombie and Fitch, getting another whiff of that disgusting cologne. My mind raced with more thoughts until I noticed within walking distance was a Hollister that despite being trendy and unique looked exactly the fucking same as every other Hollister store constructed and sold the exact same ugly shit Abercrombie did and Abercrombie and Fitch did, in which case I simply said "You know what, fuck it." and stopped myself before coming up with any other crackpot conspiracy theories. I got on my Pegasus and flew home for the day, which is good because if I took the car I would be stuck in traffic, now I simply flew over it.
No comments:
Post a Comment